Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I've never come this close to giving up

Everyone who knows me - knows that I am an emotional roller coaster. It's not something I am proud of - but it is a statement of fact. This is part of the reason that my weight skyrocketed to approx. 300 lbs. I eat emotionally... 

**Whatever... I just eat - I eat when Im sad, I eat when Im happy, I eat when Im disappointed, I eat when Im thrilled - I just eat. 

One of the great things about blogging is that most of you don't know me, so you get the privilege of seeing ALL of my colorful sides. I hope I motivate you, I hope I inspire you to make it one more day, to run one more mile. But today - I need inspiration because (like the title says) I have never come this close to giving up. 

I have a few triggers - you know, things that happen in life that just make me want to eat. Normally, if I experience just one of these things I can ward off the cravings and the temptation to give in to the thought that the food will make it all feel better or make it all go away. But this weekend - it all came crashing in on me ... let's go through the list, shall we? 

#1 - Im feeling accomplished. 


(I told you....ANYTHING can set me off) 

I have almost completed Week 6 C25K, I was down to my lowest weight so far - Friday I felt GREAT! 

Why is this a trigger? BECAUSE I DESERVE A DONUT !! (That's all I have to say about that) 

#2. Emotional overload. 


I won't go into the details - but yesterday was one of those moments where you are laying on the couch in the fetal position with your eyes so swollen from hours of tears that you can't see a thing and you are having a hard time catching your breath. 

What? You never have those moments? You are a liar. 

#3. Im fighting off some icky allergy/sore throat/headache/chest congestion CRAPOLA. 


I mean, who really wants broccoli when you feel like crap? Who wants to cook? Not me! I would MUCH rather have mexican - not sure why....but mexican sounds good right about now. 

All of these factors mixed together is like the perfect storm for failure. 


Am I going to quit? No. 

I've come too far. I have too many people to let down. I want it too bad. 

THIS is living life. 

No, I've never come this close to giving up - but I've never come this close to LIVING either. In the past, I've just lied down and allowed all of life's circumstances to run me over. 

Giving in to my desires to numb the pain with food made me feel just that - NUMB. Unable to feel love, unable to feel anger, unable to feel joy. When you use food to numb pain - it also numbs happiness. You can't get rid one without killing the other. 

So, today - I will feel. 

I will feel Sadness 

I will feel frustration. 

Tomorrow - I will feel joy, accomplishment, love... 

I will feel ..... because that is what makes me alive. 

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