Sunday, July 20, 2014

I have loved you all along

When I really got serious about losing weight I'm not really sure I knew what I was getting myself into. As a matter of fact, I can look back now and I realize that I didn't even believe that I could do it. Losing weight was a novelty. Something I would tell myself I would do but deep down inside I thought just hoping was good enough. I guess I figured that I needed to at least have the illusion that I tried to make myself feel better.

I liked watching shows about weight loss, I read blogs and magazine articles. I can truly say I was an expert at weight loss. I had lost weight. I had lost a significant amount on several occasions. I knew HOW. I could even tell others HOW.

One of the themes that always came up in my studies was the theme of loving yourself and forgiving yourself BEFORE you could shed the pounds. I even named this blog "loving me now." But I didn't. I couldn't. I was so ashamed of my failures. I had constant negative talk in my mind. I made up what I thought other people must think about me. It was torture. I hated the mirror, I hated clothes, I hated Adrienne. (I'm on the verge of tears just typing this). No one on this earth was meaner to Adrienne than I was. Why?

Honestly, I don't even know. My mother is the most accepting person I know. She always taught me to be kind to myself. She always told me how beautiful I was. I didn't learn it from her. I always knew that models were edited and weren't real. I didn't learn it from them. I taught it to myself. I decided something was wrong with me. I became the punishment for what I viewed as failure. Who was I to love and forgive such a terrible failure? do I accept this person and love her enough to do something good for her? Do it for her and not for anyone else? Put her first? She didn't deserve it.

None of those thoughts went away until the pounds started coming off. It was like I was being peeled back and slowly I could breathe. Every breath got easier and easier. I pictured myself happy. I focused all that negative energy on the treadmill. I cried A LOT. Every tear and every drop of sweat was hate...leaving my body. 

A couple of weeks ago I went for a morning run. I felt like I was flying. The wind was blowing on my face and the sun was shining on my skin. I was alive. The song "Far Away" by Nickelback came on Pandora and I heard this lyric:

'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore

For the first time, maybe ever, I realized that I have loved myself all along. I loved the real Adrienne...not the one I had created with hate. I just needed to forgive myself for not treating her like I loved her. I was finally able to forgive.

Maybe you relate to all of this. Maybe you're the meanest person that you know, but only to yourself. There is hope. One day at a time. Start pulling away at those layers. Not every weight loss tip works for everyone. Don't be hard on yourself. Only you can get to the place you need to be to accept yourself and that may not happen right away, thats okay, but it does need to happen. 

My heart has been breaking for others who find themselves in this cycle of hate. I'm here if you want to talk. 

Wednesday, April 16, 2014


My towel wrapped around me tonight.

For most people this is not profound. "Yes, Adrienne, towels do that." Maybe they have always for you. Not for me.

Maybe it has been wrapping around me, completely, for a while and I just now noticed? I'm not sure.

I've officially lost 75lbs. It has taken me a total of 11 years and 3 separate tries, but I am 10lbs away from the scale reading 199. There are a lot of things I expected would be by now, but it never occurred to me that the towel would wrap all the way around.

If you've never been "morbidly obese" (God, what a ridiculous term) then I don't expect you to understand the following.

There are things that I expected. I expected to be proud of myself, and I am. I expected that I would feel better, sleep better, look better, and I do. I expected all of these things and more. I expected to step on the scale and read 199 and suddenly every struggle for the past 11 years would rush through my mind like a movie and that I would be so overwhelmed with emotion that I would collapse on the floor of my bathroom, sobbing with joy as if this miracle has just taken place before my very eyes without my involvement.

There are also things that I did not expect. I didn't expect to feel kindof numb. I didn't expect to still see myself as the fat girl. I didn't expect people to treat me differently (they do). I didn't expect people to be jealous, or judgy, or weird with me. I didn't expect to be surprised that the towel would wrap around, or that Jillian Michaels videos would no longer be hard, or that running would one day not be enough to take off the lbs. I didn't expect to still be unhappy with pictures or that I would still not fit into American Eagle jeans.

The list goes on and on.

Here is the thing. Life is full of moments where we expect certain things to happen or certain moments to be a certain way. We can't rely on that. Anything worth doing is going to be hard, much harder than you expected. If you want to start a journey to lose weight, or change careers, or start a family, then you have to throw all of your expectations out the window because the final product may not look like what you thought it would.

Here is what I think will happen when I see 199. I will be full of pride for what I have accomplished. I will remember all of the hard work and realize that I DID that. Every pound came off because I made choice after choice,  not because of some miracle that just happened to me.

Or maybe I'll collapse on the ground. Who knows?

Tears will probably be involved.

I'll let you know.