Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The Adrienne I don't want to become

I know that it has been a while since I have written a blog - but this one has been on my mind for a while. If you are looking for one of my funny banters about cake or cable TV - then you may want to skip this blog and wait for the next one ... I promise the old Adrienne will return. This blog is going to be more serious - and I am writing it more for my own sake than for yours. I want to be able to look back on this and remember - how I felt at this very moment, how I don't like feeling like this, how proud I am for how far I've come. 

I don't know that I have ever actually come out and said this publicly in my blog before - but I'm getting ready to. 

I have an eating disorder. 

Yes, you can have an eating disorder and not be anorexic or bulimic. 

I'm not going to go into WHY I have an eating disorder - I think that my struggle with my weight and with food is proof enough that I have a problem. It is not socially acceptable to point out that someone has an eating disorder if they are fat - even if that person is pointing at themselves - so you may be reading this and start to feel uncomfortable that I am talking this way about myself. It is ok, you have been taught (even if subconsciously by social standards) that if someone has a problem with their weight you should ignore it so as to not hurt their feelings. 

This is good, to an extent. It is hurtful to be reminded that you have a problem - especially if it is not solicited. So, go ahead - take a breath and let all of your nervous fears be put to the side for a few moments - because I realize i have a problem ... and I want to do something about it. 

When someone is fat ... there aren't usually interventions. Friends don't sit you down and say, "Im really concerned about you ... maybe you should do something." like they would if you were dangerously skinny, vomiting your lunch, or drinking yourself into a stupor at 3 in the afternoon. 

No, most of the time people say nothing at all. They just stare... or say things behind your back...or imply...or make jokes. (Not your real friends ... they just say nothing or tell you that you are fine) 

Ok, now that all of that pre-topic garbage is out of the way - here is the real reason for my blog today. 

I found this article online:

Excerpt from article; 

"A morbidly obese Ohio man has died after police found him fused to a chair he had not moved from in two years and were forced to cut a hole in the wall of his house just to get him out, WTOV-TV reported Wednesday. The unnamed 43-year-old man's roommates called police when they found him unconscious. 

He was taken to Wheeling Hospital in nearby West Virginia, where he later died." 

Wait ... 


"The unnamed 43-year-old man's roommates called police WHEN THEY FOUND HIM UNCONSCIOUS." 

That's right ladies and gentlemen. This man sat in a recliner for 2 YEARS because he was too fat to get up. His girlfriend brought him food and his other friend lived in the room next door. I'm not even going to get into the fact that these two roommates should probably have said something - to someone BEFORE they found him unconscious. How about, "Hey, my roommate has been sitting in a chair of his own waste for X number of months - maybe someone should help him." 

I digress. 

Im going to step out on a limb here and say that this unnamed 43 year old man didn't plan for his life to go down like this. 

Im going to say he didn't wake up 2 years prior and say - "You know what? I think Im going to just park myself right here in this recliner ... and never get up. That sounds like a pretty good idea." (I realize that is a dream for most men, but the reality of the situation probably isn't as appetizing as the dream itself, guys) here is how this story should be a lesson to me and you. 

Fact: I am currently at a weight that is unhealthy for me. 

However, I am not at a weight that would make it necessary for me to sit in a recliner for two years just waiting for the day that police officers have to come to my house and cut a hole in the wall to get me to the hospital. 

And guess what... 

I don't want to do nothing until that becomes necessary! 

"Wait...wait...wait - WAIT. 

Adrienne, you aren't THAT fat. I mean, could lose a few pounds - but come on - you don't really think you would ever get to the place where you had to be cut out of your house do you?" 

Yes, I absolutely think that I could get to that place - if I give up. 

Guess what - if you have an eating disorder - this is your reality if you give up too. 

So, here is what I will do. 

I, Adrienne, refuse to give up. Even if I re-gain the same 25 lbs every 6 months and then kill myself to lose it again. I will not give up. I will try everything in my power to continue to fight. I will surround myself with people who say to me, "Adrienne, you are doing awesome and I am proud of you for not giving up." I will remind myself of this 43 year old unnamed man (who, by the way, was a person who had feelings, interests, hobbies, who loved, cared, and lived). 

As long as I can still breathe - I will not give up.