Sunday, July 20, 2014

I have loved you all along

When I really got serious about losing weight I'm not really sure I knew what I was getting myself into. As a matter of fact, I can look back now and I realize that I didn't even believe that I could do it. Losing weight was a novelty. Something I would tell myself I would do but deep down inside I thought just hoping was good enough. I guess I figured that I needed to at least have the illusion that I tried to make myself feel better.

I liked watching shows about weight loss, I read blogs and magazine articles. I can truly say I was an expert at weight loss. I had lost weight. I had lost a significant amount on several occasions. I knew HOW. I could even tell others HOW.

One of the themes that always came up in my studies was the theme of loving yourself and forgiving yourself BEFORE you could shed the pounds. I even named this blog "loving me now." But I didn't. I couldn't. I was so ashamed of my failures. I had constant negative talk in my mind. I made up what I thought other people must think about me. It was torture. I hated the mirror, I hated clothes, I hated Adrienne. (I'm on the verge of tears just typing this). No one on this earth was meaner to Adrienne than I was. Why?

Honestly, I don't even know. My mother is the most accepting person I know. She always taught me to be kind to myself. She always told me how beautiful I was. I didn't learn it from her. I always knew that models were edited and weren't real. I didn't learn it from them. I taught it to myself. I decided something was wrong with me. I became the punishment for what I viewed as failure. Who was I to love and forgive such a terrible failure? do I accept this person and love her enough to do something good for her? Do it for her and not for anyone else? Put her first? She didn't deserve it.

None of those thoughts went away until the pounds started coming off. It was like I was being peeled back and slowly I could breathe. Every breath got easier and easier. I pictured myself happy. I focused all that negative energy on the treadmill. I cried A LOT. Every tear and every drop of sweat was hate...leaving my body. 

A couple of weeks ago I went for a morning run. I felt like I was flying. The wind was blowing on my face and the sun was shining on my skin. I was alive. The song "Far Away" by Nickelback came on Pandora and I heard this lyric:

'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore

For the first time, maybe ever, I realized that I have loved myself all along. I loved the real Adrienne...not the one I had created with hate. I just needed to forgive myself for not treating her like I loved her. I was finally able to forgive.

Maybe you relate to all of this. Maybe you're the meanest person that you know, but only to yourself. There is hope. One day at a time. Start pulling away at those layers. Not every weight loss tip works for everyone. Don't be hard on yourself. Only you can get to the place you need to be to accept yourself and that may not happen right away, thats okay, but it does need to happen. 

My heart has been breaking for others who find themselves in this cycle of hate. I'm here if you want to talk.