Dear Skinny Me,
I am writing you this letter because I know that once you are there you will forget where you came from. It's natural and not necessarily a bad thing that you would forget, but I think that if you remembered you would appreciate life and the things you have so much more. You see, I'm definitely not you yet. But Im also definitely not who I used to be either ("300 lb Hates herself girl") and I have already forgotten a lot about what it was like to be her. Sometimes I have to think really hard to remember her and what she felt, and it helps me appreciate myself and my progress more.
You used to be her too.
Yes, really ... I knew you would forget. So, before she is totally erased from your memory I wanted to write down what I can remember about that girl:
"Hates herself" was miserable. She couldn't tell you how she got to where she was but she had NO CLUE how to get out of it. Every morning the task of getting dressed was a reminder that she had FAILED. Nothing looked pretty or girly ... or God forbid ... attractive! She blamed it on the people who manufacture clothes because THEY are the ones who are responsible for the clothing that she had to chose from - they never make anything that looks good on a fat girl. Then reality would sink in....what would really look good on "this" body?? She constantly used the sentence "I look like a sausage in these jeans."
Forget actually going shopping for clothes. Dressing rooms were like little torture chambers in hell. Maybe it was the lighting or this big dang mirror? Nope, again it MUST be those manufacturers - they can't do anything right. Leaving the dressing room was the best part ... now where is that food court again??? Oh yeah, just a few steps away - that will make her feel better.
"Hates herself" loved winter... HATED snow and cold ... but loved winter none the less. Why? Big bulky clothes that covered up everything ... so what if she looked like the Michelin Tire guy? Summer was its own little torturous game. How to enjoy the beautiful weather, get some sun (because continuously looking like the Michelin guy was unacceptable), but still cover up enough not to be completely humiliated around everyone! Every plus size swimsuit has a granny skirt ... remember those? (curse those manufacturers)
"Hates herself" loved roller coasters, just like you, but the terror of getting on one was worse than the actual thrill of riding it. Will this be the day that it doesn't close and I have to get off the ride in humiliation? She felt that her size would crush someone if she accidentally fell on them. "Hates herself" could never imagine a day when someone (not even a big strong man) would be able to pick her up without being immediately rushed to the emergency room.
"Hates herself" never thought she could do anything. She would try to run but wouldn't make it a tenth of a mile before having to stop to walk while channeling Darth Vader.
"Hates herself" felt trapped. Like this was her life sentence - because she had tried before to get out of this prison of a body that she had cocooned herself in and never succeeded.
So, "Skinny Me" I know that it is hard to remember these things, but it is important that you do. First of all, so that you remember to do all you can to never return there again. Also, so that you can appreciate your accomplishments and don't be hard on yourself! Thirdly, so that you can help others to realize that they can do it too. It is hard work, but it is possible. Run around the prison and tell all of the other "Hates herselves" that they have the key to get out too!
Most importantly ... no matter what your size or situation. Love yourself. No more hating yourself, ok? Even if you do find yourself at 300 lbs again...love who you are.
Take care sweetheart...Ill see you soon!