I guess I have been watching a lot of TV the past couple of days because today's blog is inspired by things I have seen on television that have given me insight into human nature.
You can learn a lot about a society based on what you can see on television.
There is a show on the TLC network called "Hoarders - Buried Alive"
If you have never seen this show, I recommend that you watch at least one episode. It will open your eyes to an entire labyrinth of the psychological human being. It is shocking how much I have learned about myself by watching someone else's struggles.
I will admit that the first time I saw the show, I had a reaction that is probably similar to the one you will have or have had if you have seen it. I thought, "How on God's earth does someone think that living this way is ok?"
You see, I am a clean person. I feel peace when things are organized and I am able to rest when my house is clean and things are in their place. So, it is easy for me to judge someone who uses piles and piles of "stuff" as a coping mechanism and security "fortress" - which is what most of these people do. Stuff becomes the only thing in their lives that they can control. So, the process of cleaning out the stuff becomes more than just a simple spring cleaning yard sale. It becomes an emotional assault on their lives.
I realized something today.
If you are a significantly overweight person then re-read the paragraphs above and replace the word "stuff" with the word "food". Aren't the parallels shocking??
I know that there are people out there who feel "peace" or they are able to rest when their bodies are well taken care of and they are healthy. They would look at a person like me or at someone who is morbidly obese (which I used to be) and think to themselves, "How on God's earth does someone think that living this way is ok?"
It is hard to understand that, just like hoarding, morbidly obese people do not decide one day "I think I will ruin my life and eat so much that I put myself in danger." Food, to them, really does equate to security, safety, and control. Even though a healthy person may look on at an obese person who is trying to get healthy and say, "Wow, they are starting to take control of their lives." It feels just the opposite to that obese person. At times, it feels like you are so out of control that it is emotionally impossible to handle.
I think that it is safe to say that everyone has their own ways of dealing with life. Some people start smoking, some people exercise, some people move in and out of relationships, some people hoard, and some people turn to food. Of course some of these coping mechanisms are healthy and some are not.
Why would I write all of this? I just had a revelation that human beings are all the same. You may think it is disgusting that I would say at my weight that you are just the same as me. You may think you are better than me for whatever reason. But, guess what? We are the same.
We all deal with life.
So, the next time you see a person who is extremely overweight. Try to see them as a human being just like you, with people they love and issues they deal with. See past their fat. I realize that most people who would read my blogs are not the type of people who would make fat jokes or look upon someone else in disgust, but we all have prejudices that we don't even realize are there. I know I did.
It was so easy to judge these people on tv ... until I realized that we really are the same...my coping mechanisms are just different than theirs.
You know, I have had times when saying no to pizza sends me into literal tears.
(That was hard to admit to the whole world)
That may be shocking to you. But that is reality to someone who struggles with weight issues. Just like throwing out cardboard boxes can send a hoarder into panic mode.
The great thing is that once you recognize the problem, you can start working on how to fix it. Your weight issue may not be something that you can fix by "just going to the gym" or "just eat less". It may be something you have to dig deep and figure out about yourself. Maybe you need to find another way to cope with life issues?
Anyway, Im glad I got this out. If you are reading this and you need to talk to someone, Im a great listener. Or you just have questions for me, Im an open book.
**Note from the author - It would enhance your experience during the reading of this blog if you go to youtube and search for "Sabotage" by the Beastie Boys and listen to it while reading!**
Go ahead - find the video ... Just do it - I have a point to make ... I'll wait for you to come back....
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Got it started? Ok, here we go:
So, I am frustrated. (What's new right?)
I have made great strides in many areas of my life - running the 5k and completing the C25K program, losing almost 60 lbs (twice), getting my finances under control. I am trying my best to focus on those accomplishments and NOT on the number on the scale. But it's always there - that scale - that number. No matter what you say - it matters to you. It matters to me ... it is a measurement, it tells the truth, and it is totally un-relenting!
(BTW - are you annoyed at the music yet? Is it frustrating to try to read this blog with that music in your ear? That feeling of frustration and anxiety you feel is exactly how I feel when I think about the scale. You can now stop the youtube video and continue to read in silence :o)
Why did I chose that song? Well, first of all - I think that is one of the best anxiety producing songs that was ever recorded! Secondly, the reason for my scale battle is one thing and one thing only.
Weekend Sabotage.
It's not something that I do consciously. I mean, who would totally derail all of the hard work that they put in during the entire course of a week - just to blow it on the weekends (on purpose???) No, no one would do that. But that is exactly what I am doing (without the "on purpose part")
This is me every Friday Morning:
This is me every Monday Morning:
We like to blame the scale. We like to call it names, kick it across the bathroom floor, move it to another place on the floor and get back on because maybe it was "uneven". (Don't get all self-righteous on me here - you know you allllll do it!)
No matter how much you want to blame the scale. The scale is just a reflection of YOUR choices.
Yes, that's right - I said it ... out loud. (well, kinda) There are consequences for your food and exercise choices. And guess who pays for those choices on the scale (whether you hate it or love it) - YOU DO. It's not the scales fault. You can kick it, you can call it names, you can even try to manipulate it - but it doesn't change the truth. You did this to yourself.
Until you can start to take responsibility for your actions (or lack thereof) - nothing will change.
So.... NOTE TO SELF (and anyone else who wants to listen) - Blaming other people or circumstances or your environment or fast-food joints or your genes or the fact that it is the weekend and you should be able to slack off on the weekend - gets you no where. So, stop sabotaging yourself and take responsibility for your weekends, Adrienne. Just because the calendar says "Friday" or "Saturday" or "Sunday" does not mean that you can shove whatever you want to in your mouth and you won't see it on the scale when the calendar says "Monday". What did you expect???
There. I got that out. That was kinda like turning off the youtube music. Once you can take responsibility for your choices then the frustration and anxiety about the scale will dissipate. Once responsibility is owned - change can happen.
PS.... Please don't leave comments and tell me that I need to "not be so hard on myself" - sometimes you need a swift kick in the batutie. That is what I am giving myself because I can not continue to "not be so hard on myself" if I want to accomplish my goals.
Also - PLEASE don't tell me that I shouldn't weigh myself everyday. It is my personal preference and you will not change my mind ;o) Thank you!
60 things I’ve learned from living and losing 60 lbs (twice)
1. It can be done. (and it can be done twice)
2. Motivation is mysterious. You know whether it’s there or not - but you do not know how it comes or how it goes.
3. You have to eat. Skipping meals is counter-productive. Don’t do it.
4. Exercise is exercise. No matter what you do - it’s better than sitting on the couch.
5. Normal people really don’t judge you at the gym - as a matter of fact, they really don’t even notice you because they are too busy focusing on themselves. (People who do judge you aren’t worth the sweat that you are leaving on the treadmill so don’t worry about them)
6. You have to drink water - there is no way around it.
7. There are days when workouts are not scheduled that you really feel like working out - then go workout.
8. There are days when workouts are scheduled and you don’t feel like working out - workout anyway.
9. Cheat days are ridiculous. Why would you torture yourself like that? Cheat days imply that every other day isn’t normal - and they should be.
10. If you can not live the rest of your life eating what you eat and working out the way you workout - then you will gain back all of your weight (experience talking here).
11. “Ill start/start over on Monday” is a mindset that sets you up for failure. This gives you “permission” between now and Monday to eat a bunch of crap and do nothing. Start NOW.
12. The second half of any exercise always goes by faster than the first half.
13. It’s not your body telling you that you can’t do something - it’s your mind. Don’t let your mind tell your body what it can and can’t do!
14. Speaking of “can’t” - this word should officially be removed from your vocabulary. Even if you think it - don’t let it come out of your mouth.
15. Healthy food is WAY more appetizing when you make it beautiful. If you are going to have a salad - at least make it pleasant to look at for crying out loud!
16. You just can’t lose weight eating out all of the time. I know, I know - Jared did it. You probably won’t. (Don’t kill the messenger)
17. There is nothing in the world like doing something you thought you couldn’t do.
18. Plan your workout music ahead of time. Listen to songs that are upbeat and interesting to you - if you don’t, you will get bored.
19. Always challenge yourself. Don’t let there ever be a time when you don’t have a goal or an event to work toward. It will hold you accountable.
20. Be honest with yourself and others. If you are having a bad day - then have a bad day. Don’t apologize for it - just have it and then get over it.
21. With that being said - Treat people with kindness and respect no matter what. Just because your scale was up 5 lbs this week doesn’t give you the right to be nasty to people.
22. If you don’t feel beautiful and valuable right now - then you never will. I don’t care what size jeans you wear.
23. When someone compliments you - just say “Thank you” - nothing else is needed.
24. Bragging is not egotistical - when you accomplish something, brag about it. Maybe it will inspire someone else to accomplish something.
25. Unexpected things happen. (for example...your food is planned out for the day and your boss decides to have a lunch meeting at Ruby Tuesday’s) Just roll with the punches and do your best.
26. You will cry. You will cry when you fail, you will cry when you succeed - get used to it... and get used to others seeing you cry.
27. Just because it’s a salad - doesn’t mean that it is healthy. The cheese, croutons, dressing, ham, bacon - What? You thought those things magically became healthy just because they are laying on top of lettuce?
28. There is a such thing as a plateau. No, its not just an excuse people have for “slacking off” - it really does exist and it sux!!
29. When people notice that you are losing weight they will ask you to help them do it too. Run away from these people. Just trust me, it never ends up good.
30. When people notice you are losing weight they will ask you how you are doing it - like there is some kind of secret that you have stumbled upon and you MUST share it NOW. When you tell them that you use portion control and exercise - don’t be surprised when they seem disappointed.
31. It really is harder to lose weight after 30.
32. It really is harder to lose weight that you have re-gained.
33. If you haven’t drank your water in a few days and you start getting in your daily required amount - make sure you wear something that day that you don’t have to tuck in because you will be visiting the bathroom quite often.
34. Invest in some nice workout clothes. You already feel uncomfortable on the gym equipment - do you really wanna look like a brown paper bag too?
35. Being healthy (although it is admirable) isn’t necessarily the ONLY motivation you should have to get healthy. Sometimes you need other motivation - find it.
36. There is more than one way to exercise - find your way.
37. Gyms could make a KILLIN’ if they would sell socks and earbuds!
38. Buy a pair of jeans that are one size smaller than what you wear and hang them somewhere where you have to see them every day. Try them on periodically for inspiration.
39. Take progress pictures. You will forget how far you have come and you will need them for a reminder.
40. Make your weight loss plans public knowledge - the pressure is good for you.
41. Running outside really is harder than running on a treadmill.
42. You don’t really feel like a runner until you can run outside.
43. When you start to eat more healthy - you will sometimes make other people feel bad about their food decisions. You don’t mean to, don’t feel bad about it, it just is what it is.
44. You will learn more about yourself during the weight loss process than you ever have before.
45. When you start to lose weight your fat will jiggle more - don’t be alarmed. It is jiggling because there isn’t as much fat to hold the rest of the fat up. Be proud of your jiggle!
46. Success is like a drug - once you taste it... you have to have more!
47. You don’t realize how much life you are missing when you never do anything active.
48. Even after you have lost 60 lbs your mind takes time to catch up to the fact that you aren’t as heavy any more. You will be faced with something that you couldn’t do before (ie. bungee jump, climb a rock, sit in a flimsy chair) and you will think that you still can’t do it.
49. Everyone’s struggles are important to them. Someone may only have to lose 5 lbs and it is just as hard for them as it is for you. Don’t down-play their struggles.
50. There are people out there who are skinny and still have issues with food. Just because someone is skinny does not make them fair game for jokes or weight comments. Those things are hurtful no matter what your size.
51. Once you lose enough to be in a smaller size - you will suddenly ONLY be able to find jeans in your old larger size ... it’s like the stores are laughing at you on candid camera.
52. Its fun to imagine (while you are in the middle of a really intense workout) that the girls who teased you about being fat in 6th grade walk in the gym weighing more than you and are unable to keep up with you - I know...Im so mean. But it’s fun.
53. Its also fun to imagine that all the people on the treadmills at the gym are thinking that you probably can’t do much because you are so big and then you start running, and you don’t stop, and they leave before you thinking, “Dang, she proved me wrong.”
54. Setting small goals and giving yourself non-food rewards is important.
55. Tracking your food is important, but there will come a day when you don’t have to track because you just know how to eat.
56. Diet soda will mess with your scale. It has tons of sodium and makes you retain water.
57. You will probably go down a shoe size - who knew?
58. You can’t do a million crunches and suddenly lose fat around your abs. You have to do cardio to lose fat all over and then the muscle you gained from the crunches can show through.
59. Yes, it is true. Muscle weighs more than fat proportionately. Get used to hearing that because 500 million people are going to tell you that when your scale doesn’t budge. Its like the only weight loss fact that anyone knows.
60. Losing weight is about more than just depriving yourself or even disciplining yourself. It is about creating yourself and not allowing life to just happen to you. Next year you will wish you had started today. Live your life!
Everyone has heard the Thomas Edison quotes about failure - the most famous one being:
When asked about his most recent failure to invent the light bulb he said:
"I haven't failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that it won't work." ~Thomas Edison
When people see that I have lost weight or they read something I post on my blog or they see my C25K status updates on Facebook they will say things to me like,
"I am so inspired by what you are doing"
"You are really doing awesome"
"You look fantastic"
To all of those people I say, "Thank you!!! Thank you so much for the compliments - I am so grateful that I have finally gotten the motivation to change my life."
However, some of those people will follow their compliments with a statement about themselves that goes something like this:
"I have tried to (insert lose weight/run/change my life here) and I always quit."
"I don't know how you do it - I just don't have the time."
"Every time I try to (insert lose weight/run/change my life here) something happens and I fail."
To those people I say:
"You have not failed until you stop trying."
"Many of life's failures are men who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up." ~Thomas Edison
I know I have only been on this planet for 31 and a half years. I have not experienced many of life's "milestones" (ie. Marriage, Motherhood, etc.) but I can tell you one thing I HAVE experienced - over and over and over again. The disappointment of letting myself down and giving up on so many things in my life.
When I lost 70 pounds and then gained ALL of it back - that was one of the lowest and hopeless feelings that I have ever experienced (aside from the death of loved ones). I can tell you that I have never been more ashamed of myself and unable to accept that I had to do it all over again.
But I did. It's been much slower and much harder this time around (as multiple times around often are) but I didn't fail.
Why? Because I didn't stop trying.
I don't care what you are doing in life - be it weight loss, trying to love again, a new or different career, etc. You did not fail - unless you stop trying.
I also don't care how many times you have quit... you can succeed.
I've quit - many times. I quit school, I quit working out, I quit eating healthy ... and I may quit again - who knows???
What I do know is that there is a diploma (two actually) hanging on my wall, I can run 30 minutes without stopping, and my lunch today was very healthy for my body ... but that is all know.
Life is full of adventure - never stop experiencing it!!!
Dear Skinny Me,
I am writing you this letter because I know that once you are there you will forget where you came from. It's natural and not necessarily a bad thing that you would forget, but I think that if you remembered you would appreciate life and the things you have so much more. You see, I'm definitely not you yet. But Im also definitely not who I used to be either ("300 lb Hates herself girl") and I have already forgotten a lot about what it was like to be her. Sometimes I have to think really hard to remember her and what she felt, and it helps me appreciate myself and my progress more.
You used to be her too.
Yes, really ... I knew you would forget. So, before she is totally erased from your memory I wanted to write down what I can remember about that girl:
"Hates herself" was miserable. She couldn't tell you how she got to where she was but she had NO CLUE how to get out of it. Every morning the task of getting dressed was a reminder that she had FAILED. Nothing looked pretty or girly ... or God forbid ... attractive! She blamed it on the people who manufacture clothes because THEY are the ones who are responsible for the clothing that she had to chose from - they never make anything that looks good on a fat girl. Then reality would sink in....what would really look good on "this" body?? She constantly used the sentence "I look like a sausage in these jeans."
Forget actually going shopping for clothes. Dressing rooms were like little torture chambers in hell. Maybe it was the lighting or this big dang mirror? Nope, again it MUST be those manufacturers - they can't do anything right. Leaving the dressing room was the best part ... now where is that food court again??? Oh yeah, just a few steps away - that will make her feel better.
"Hates herself" loved winter... HATED snow and cold ... but loved winter none the less. Why? Big bulky clothes that covered up everything ... so what if she looked like the Michelin Tire guy? Summer was its own little torturous game. How to enjoy the beautiful weather, get some sun (because continuously looking like the Michelin guy was unacceptable), but still cover up enough not to be completely humiliated around everyone! Every plus size swimsuit has a granny skirt ... remember those? (curse those manufacturers)
"Hates herself" loved roller coasters, just like you, but the terror of getting on one was worse than the actual thrill of riding it. Will this be the day that it doesn't close and I have to get off the ride in humiliation? She felt that her size would crush someone if she accidentally fell on them. "Hates herself" could never imagine a day when someone (not even a big strong man) would be able to pick her up without being immediately rushed to the emergency room.
"Hates herself" never thought she could do anything. She would try to run but wouldn't make it a tenth of a mile before having to stop to walk while channeling Darth Vader.
"Hates herself" felt trapped. Like this was her life sentence - because she had tried before to get out of this prison of a body that she had cocooned herself in and never succeeded.
So, "Skinny Me" I know that it is hard to remember these things, but it is important that you do. First of all, so that you remember to do all you can to never return there again. Also, so that you can appreciate your accomplishments and don't be hard on yourself! Thirdly, so that you can help others to realize that they can do it too. It is hard work, but it is possible. Run around the prison and tell all of the other "Hates herselves" that they have the key to get out too!
Most importantly ... no matter what your size or situation. Love yourself. No more hating yourself, ok? Even if you do find yourself at 300 lbs again...love who you are.
Take care sweetheart...Ill see you soon!
LOVNGMENOW
So, as most of you know ... I am doing the C25K running program.
C25K (if you are wondering) stands for Couch to 5k and is a 9 week program that is supposed to make someone who sits on the couch all the time a 5k runner in 9 weeks.
"It's a lie...Steven." (See...Nacho quote for every situation)
Even though I LOVE the program - and almost wish I could start over and do it again just to re-live the sheer feeling of pride I have gotten from advancing to each and every week.... I honestly have not met one person who has actually completed the program in exactly 9 weeks. Most people have to do weeks over or do runs over - and that is ok. I also haven't met anyone who has tried C25K literally starting as a sedentary person. Most people find C25K after they have been physically active for at least a few weeks.
I guess the name "Couch to 5k" is catchy ... and I guess it works.
Anyway...the program is AMAZING and I encourage anyone to try it. You won't regret a single day!
Now....for my story.
Tuesday night was my first 28 minute run. I reluctantly drove myself to the gym with no intention of actually completing the run. I don't know if you ever do this to yourself but I do it all the time.
Im driving...Im walking into the gym...Im actually starting up the treadmill thinking....Ill just run a little bit and say I tried.
Im such a dork. (and this is probably the reason that I had to repeat several weeks along the way)
When I first start on the treadmill, I always look around to see who is around me and what they are doing. It is the "people watcher" in me and my curiosity fuels the fire.
I always wonder what they think of me. I wonder if they look at me, size me up, and think I won't make it for very long. (Im not a little girl, ya know). In my mind ... that is what they are all thinking. This is part of my mental "psyching" up ... "I'm gonna prove them all wrong!"
As Im running...my mind is my biggest enemy. I KNOW, in my KNOWER, that my body can do it - my mind isnt so sure. When I FINALLY make it to the half-way point Im usually saying to myself, "I can not do that again!! The first half took FOREVER!!"
PS...the second half always goes faster ;o)
At some point in my run I always roll my sleeves all the way up - it helps me cool off ...and that is the only reason I do it - trust me.
When that bell rings and that beautiful male voice says "Walk" (Id like to kiss him),
I looked kinda like this:
Well.
Except I wasnt finishing a triathalon.
And my arms certainly don't look like that...
And I was DRIPPING with sweat.
And I was on a treadmill...
But you get the point.
I threw my fists in the air and I ALMOST yelled out "YES!!"
Then I realized how embarrassing that would have been.
I wish I would have though. Who cares what everyone else in that gym would have thought of me? They do stupid stuff all the time - trust me, I know!
The funny part about my run was that it wasn't the run that made me feel great.
It was the sweat drops all over the treadmill when I was done.
It was the fact that there was a whole different group of people on the treadmills when I finished the run than there were when I started it.
It was overcoming my mental harassment.
It was proving all of those people who thought I couldn't do it - wrong. (I know it was all in my head...but go with me here)
Tonight I get to do it all over again. Bring it.
Tomorrow is weigh in day. Bring it.
